We may never know what exactly is up the collective butts of Australian video game censors, but that hilariously misinformed and outdated group of do gooders is at it again.

The target this time is “South Park: Stick of Truth.” Specifically the censors rejected the game on the basis of a scene involving penis shaped anal probes, and an abortion scene involving vacuums and a wire.

On a side note, isn’t it nice when game adaptations stay so true to the source material?

Anyway developer Obsidian tried re-submitting the game under some slightly toned down conditions, but were rejected at each turn. Finally they submitted an impressively sarcastic version of the probing scene where the image of the scene is replaced with a crying koala while on screen text informs you as to what is actually happening in the original scene.

Unsurprisingly, considering the board’s traditionally misinformed interpretation of comedy, this version was accepted.

So it looks like the fair Australian gamers of the world will get to play “Stick of Truth,” albeit with more static images of Koalas in place than were originally intended, as well as some minor mini-games axed entirely, thanks to some creative skirting of the censors.

Seriously though, what is the logic behind the extreme censorship of gaming in Australia? Considering it’s the year 2013 and I can probably pull up a YouTube video of mass genocides set to a dubstep soundtrack and intercut with images of “My Little Pony” fan porn on my phone, does a cartoon video game character’s anal probe encounter really constitute the ultimate line of morality?

Thoughts on the recently announced “Dynasty Warriors” and “Legend of Zelda” crossover “Hyrule Warriors” seem to range from OMG to FML all over the internet, and among the incredibly insane Nintendo hardcore fanbase.

Personally I think it’s about time that Nintendo starting merging their established properties with other incredibly random, yet oddly appropriate, gaming franchises. In fact, as long as the door to the entire concept is kicked in now and anarchy reigns, I can think of  at least six lazily titled Nintendo crossovers I’d like to see.

Bushido Emblem (Fire Emblem/Bushido Blade)

If it weren’t already established that life isn’t fair, I would eternally wonder why the “Bushido Blade” series has not seen a proper follow up in years. A truly original entrant into the fighter genre that’s capable of effortlessly producing intense match ups, “Bushido Blade” revolves around a combat system where one hit can end it all. Think “Dive Kick” with more strategy.

The “Fire Emblem” series diverse cast of characters and their appropriately large arsenal of weapons would actually fit nicely into “Bushido’s” mechanics. For that matter, so would “Emblem’s” consistently well done art style and the fact its characters are used to dying quick and unheroic deaths (at least when I play it).

Also…oh screw it I just want a new “Bushido Blade” game. It can take place in “Pokemon’s” world for all I care. Get on it Nintendo.

PokeSpore (Pokemon/Spore)

Of course since “Bushidomon” isn’t likely even by the new Nintendo crossover standards, maybe they could blend the famous monster catching series with the 2008 “could have been way better” PC classic “Spore.”

It’s a natural merger really. In “PokeSpore” you could design a world full of Pokemon, and watch them evolve and become prized by Pokemasters everywhere. Plus Nintendo could just scrounge “PokeSpore” player’s games to tap into a nigh infinite free source of increasingly uninspired “Pokemon” designs.

That’s a win-win people.

Silent Crossing (Silent Hill/Animal Crossing)

Anyone can get lost in the world of “Animal Crossing.” Besides being filled with a seemingly endless amount of activities and interior design possibilities, it’s lighthearted cartoonish nature makes for a very inviting setting that can make a 100 hours pass by in what feels like minutes.

However the real question is, can the “Animal Crossing” gameplay survive a trip to a more undesirable locale like “Silent Hill?”

The answer, of course, is shit yeah it can. In “Silent Crossing” you’ll play the new mayor of “Silent Hill” and are tasked with keeping up the town and interacting with its eternally tortured denizens, as well as redecorating the world to reflect the unique psychological horrors of its next outside visitor.

The Binding of Icarus (Kid Icarus/The Binding of Issac)

Look, most of the ideas on this are poorly conceived and lazily written jokes. A rouge-like “Kid Icarus,” though, is no joke. It would just kick ass.

After all, the original “Kid Icarus” was an insanely tough game that might as well of had perma-death in place, and even featured an upgrade and item system that’s not too out of place from the average rouge-like. Combine that with the diverse mythical elements of the Icarus series, and this isn’t hard to see as a highly entertaining possibility.

In any case a rouge-like is a more logical genre for the series to merge with than a 3D shooter was.

League of Smash (League of Legends/Super Smash Bros.)

Blitzcrank, Ahri, and Darius? Never heard of them. You want real heroes you’ve got to look at Link, Mario, and to a lesser extent Luigi. You’ve got to look at the “Smash Bros.” roster.

In “League of Smash” you would choose a team of classic Nintendo heroes with their own unique attributes and abilities, and pit them against an opposing team of Nintendo heroes in a MOBA setting. Minions are Pikmin, worlds are based on classic Nintendo environments, and…

Huh. Maybe it’s my 8 A.M bourbon and bourbon (that’s bourbon mixed with bourbon) kicking in, but that actually sounds like something I would buy the hell out of.

Mushroom Kingdom Hearts        (Nintendo/Kingdom Hearts)

Let’s be honest. At the end of the day crossovers are built on the philosophy of combining two or more popular properties to appeal to a wider, established demographic. Following that logic, the combination of Nintendo, Disney, and “Final Fantasy” would have to be considered the alpha crossover.

It doesn’t even come close to mattering what the actual game plays like. This thing could make so much money that it would completely undo the order and structure of the global economy.

Game of the year awards? Yeah those are fun. But in a year as full as 2013, I didn’t feel satisfied with the amount of games I got to talk about in that mere top ten collection.

As such, I’ve created a number of auxiliary awards in an effort to cover more ground. Some are good, some are bad, and some are so specific they could only be dreamed up after a six beer self medication session following another traumatic Dallas Cowboys loss on Sunday. These are those awards.

Game That Proves You Can Turn Anything Into a Videogame – Viscera Cleanup Detail

Are games about farming and driving a truck across Europe weird? Yeah but at least there is some potential for excitement in those scenarios, as they allow you to do something you may not otherwise get to in real life.

It’s “Viscera Cleanup Detail” that proves that no topic is incapable of being gameified, though. In it you play a janitor tasked with cleaning up the aftermath of video game levels, with gameplay consisting largely of mopping. At this rate I wouldn’t be surprised if we get a game about data entry where you are actually doing data entry for a company, but pay them to do it.

Most Overrated Game – Tomb Raider

I tend to shy away from this topic, as by its very nature it requires you to take shots at a game that’s generally well liked. It’s difficult to not sound like kind of an ass in the process.

However, the love train for “Tomb Raider” is getting a little too crowded this awards season. It’s by far the best “Tomb Raider” game made in years, but is also burdened by uneven action sequences, a meandering plot, a host of half implemented ideas, and not enough platforming, puzzle solving, and actual tomb raiding. It’s a very good game, but certainly not a great one.

Best System of The Year – Nintendo 3DS

Hey believe me, I’m just as shocked as you are.

The 3DS has still yet to really prove that its 3D capabilities are worthwhile, but when you look at the system’s murder row  lineup this year (“Fire Emblem,” “Pokemon,” “Zelda,” “Animal Crossing,” etc.) its hard to deny that the handheld provided better exclusive entertainment than any other platform in 2013.

Most Intriguing Developer Not Getting Enough Attention – Simogo

Mobile gaming is, by and large, bastardized by the “hardcore” gaming community. As such, many great mobile games tend to go unnoticed and unappreciated by that particular contingent.

In the case of Simogo that’s an incredible shame. From the entertainingly inventive “Beat Sneak Bandit” to genre, and even medium, defying experiences like “Year Walk” and “Device 6,” Simogo is proving to be one of the most inventive and original studios in all of gaming. It’s a crime that they aren’t getting more attention.
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I hate “The Big Bang Theory.” Understand that I don’t use hate often to describe something, but such is the case with that particular show. As an “out and proud” nerd such as it were, every time someone tells me that I must naturally love “The Big Bang Theory,” I tend to involuntarily cringe.

For the most part, I feel the way about many popular gaming YouTube personalities for largely the same reason. I find the quality of their content to be creatively cheap, and a bad image for the culture they have become the most vocal representatives of.

Of course please understand that isn’t meant as a blanket review of all gaming YouTube personalities. For instance, John Bain (better known by the handle TotalBiscuit), is one of  my most trusted gaming critics. For the most part though, the popular path to YouTube gaming fame of yelling at games and making cheap jokes along the way (let’s call it the PewDiePie effect) just doesn’t appeal to me, and quite honestly I don’t think it is meant to.

It’s what has me somewhat conflicted about the recent YouTube content ID incident, which is threatening the livelihood, and in some cases very existence, of many of those YouTube personalities and their channels.

On one hand, I think that the literal implementation of archaic property and copyright laws that just don’t easily apply to video games is yet another in a shameful line of examples of the “world at large” not being sure exactly how to incorporate the medium properly into everyday life, business, and culture. I also do truly feel that these sanctions (many of which are completely bogus mind you) are just a taste of the world that is forming, in which the power and abilities of the individual is overshadowed almost entirely by that of the conglomerate, making it closer to impossible every day for that individual to shape their own fortune and make their own mark regardless of their current position in the world.

On the other hand, in terms of the content that we are potentially losing, I’m by and large unaffected. While there are some people hurt by this that I will miss, in the grand scheme of things from an entertainment perspective, I’m not ranking this occurrence with say the untimely cancellation of “Firefly.”

Maybe you share that opinion. Maybe you don’t. To be honest, I don’t really care. That’s not because I don’t respect your right to have an opinion on that particular subject, but rather because I feel that subject is very much worthy of debate, and of differing opinions.

However, if your stance on this topic is one of joy because you feel that the role of YouTube personality shouldn’t be considered a real job, and that these people have been just coasting along off of a broken system, then I’m here to call you out for being wrong. On that subject, I leave no room for debate.

What you have to understand is this. The people who are potentially most affected by these policies (and the ones still to come) are the people who work hardest at what they do. They are not the ones that throw on a webcam, get a cheap mic, record their game play, and hastily throw it online with some poorly chosen metal music as bookends and call it a day. They are people who have learned genuine skills and talents, and have put forth 70-80 hours a week for years of their lives to get where they are today, which is a position to do what they love for a living.

It’s true that many of them were using pre-existing content as the crux of their works, but since when was that a crime in and of itself? Many of those who are being harmed most by this had the proper permission to use the content they were featuring at the time they used it. To criticize them for doing so is not different that criticizing the “Mystery Science Theater” cast for just piggybacking off old movies, or to criticize “Siskel and Ebert” for just judging original works and making a living off of it. Hell, while you’re at it, you might as well damn every gaming website and blog who make their livings by reporting on the industry as opposed to solely creating original content.

Many people don’t do that, though. Why? What is the difference? Is it the YouTube format? Is that what makes people completely disregard the genuine hard work that went into these people getting to where they are at in life and instead dance on the grave of their dreams while its slowly being dug?

If so, that’s a real shame. Yes I admit the concept of a grown person essentially playing video games for a living doesn’t really qualify as the most practical, or certainly noble, of pursuits. However, it is what they love doing, and through a combination of ambition, luck, skill, ability, persistence, and most importantly hard work they found a way to use the very slim opening that YouTube afforded them, and turn it into a something they could not only live off of, but take pride in.

There was a time when that kind of ambition and recklessness was admired and rewarded. It wasn’t always rewarded with financial gain mind you, but spiritually it was the kind of action treated with respect and looked upon for inspiration to make more of yourself and to retain the belief that with the right combination of work and passion you too could make something better for yourself, and maybe even achieve your dreams.

And now that same effort is being mocked. Maybe by only a minute portion of the jaded and uninformed (or possibly just the usual trolls), but even then that is too many. The idea that you are not a master of your own fate, and rather a slave to some idea of how things may be is a mental poison that is corrupting this world a little more each day and can in no way be tolerated by anyone with a shred of hope and life left in them.

Call out these YouTube personalities all you want for the quality of their work. Critique them, question them, or just ignore them entirely if you choose. But never, ever, deny those that truly deserve it respect for the work they put in to get where they are and their willingness to aim for something greater regardless of whether or not it was through traditional means.

Do that, and you might as well deny all of those born without a silver spoon in their mouth the right to eat.

First, because there were too many games to cover here, here’s a supercut I put together of some of the best games of 2013.

I feel that everyone putting together a best of 2013 list that truly cares about gaming only does so after slamming a recently emptied bottle of whiskey down on their desk and sighing deeply.

2013 was one of the most packed years in gaming history. From every available outlet poured titles that are without comparison, even when weighed against the entirety of gaming history. Sure, there was the usual flood of crap and frustration, but it seemed that bi-weekly we were getting one of those games that you just had to play. Of course, that’s because we were.

Even if you don’t take into account the launch of two next-gen systems and all the other major industry occurrences and just focus on the quality of the games themselves, you’d be hard-pressed to name to many other years ahead of 2013.

A lot of hard decisions had to be made when putting together this list, but I feel that this is as comfortable with the honors as I’m ever going to be. Just note that if you don’t see your favorite game, it’s either because I didn’t play it, painfully had to cut it, or just didn’t like it. The curious can ask in the comments below.

Without further ado, here are the best games of 2013.

10. Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag

Let me get “Assassin’s Creed IV’s” biggest problem out of the way first. It’s still an “Assassin’s Creed” game. Therefore, it carries all of the faults of that series, including a far too simplified combat system, some seriously uneven mission quality and obligatory futuristic plot elements that are getting more and more superfluous.

But, sweet Jesus, this game is just pure fun. A lot of that fun derives from the perfect implementation of its pirate elements. “AC:IV” is the absolute greatest pirate game ever made. It gives you nearly everything you could ever want from the romanticized pirate experience many of us are familiar with, and does it with sheer glee. It certainly doesn’t hurt that this is also one of the best written and best acted games I’ve played in some time.

Were this game developed from the ground up as an entirely new series called “Black Flag,” it may be even higher on this list. As it is, though, there are few games more entertaining than “AC:IV” regardless of your feelings towards the series up until this point, or any specific video gaming turn-ons and peeves you may have.

9. Outlast

The age of the true survival horror game seems to be coming to a close as a growing number of developers pussy out and implement more and more action elements into the genre in order to make it more appealing to a larger crowd.

That’s a true shame, as a game like “Outlast” shows the tremendous amount of life left in the traditional horror style. This is quite simply one of the most terrifying games ever released, and at no point does it give a damn if you are enjoying yourself while playing it or whether or not you feel safe. It’s an uncompromising realization of the potential gaming has in terms of conveying pure horror, and you’ll love every minute you hate playing it.

I’m so very thankful the new generation of YouTube players have spread the gossip of “Outlast” and all its terrible wonders and helped let the people know that for all the waves of shitty action games with occasional jump scares that dare label themselves horror, there are still some games that do it right.

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